Think before you forward...

I don’t blog anymore... Maybe it’s because I’m happier, maybe it’s because I don’t have things setting me off as often, or maybe it’s just because I’m lazy. However, I received a forward of a chain letter email today from someone who forwards a lot of these right wing propaganda emails. I should have just ignored it, but I was tired of receiving these and it got under my skin.

First, let me state that I hate chain letters of any kind. Get a hobby people. Forwarding these useless emails, or, if you’re an even bigger loser, regular mail, is pointless. Anyone who may be swayed by this biased information shouldn’t be allowed to vote anyway, so don’t send it. Second, I would like to make it clear that I am a staunch moderate. I don’t totally disagree or agree with either party and I see the merits of both. My problem with the following email is with the misinformation, not the stance or politics of the author, although the stupidity contained below has probably pushed me more left than I was before this message.

This is the email I received. Please take a second to read over it.

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THIS IS??? Can you get it on the first picture or second or third or?Do you have to wait till the fourth??

??? It's the -New Cook County Correctional Center, Chicago , IllinoisIt shows that in most cases the quality of life for prisoners has improved considerably from what you might expect.
Oh yea, they can also choose from the menu!?

Let me see now ..

Who was the US Senator who helped arrange the funds to build this beautiful "punishment center"???
Oh yes, it was Obama!!!?
No wonder he sees nothing wrong with the wasted spending in his "Stimulus Plan".
This is where he plans on putting the terrorists from Gitmo, and we have Americans living in cardboard boxes on the streets that have never killed anyone. Nothing makes sense anymore.
PLEASE PASS ON!
MOST PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW THIS!

My first thought when looking at the pictures was, this prison is dope! I want to commit crimes in Illinois. I’ve stayed at hotels that resembled prisons more than that.

The first statement that struck me was “this beautiful ‘punishment center.’” Prisons are not only punishment centers. They’re about rehabilitation. Not everyone that gets locked up is in prison for life, in fact most aren't. They will, at some point, be members of society, hopefully contributing ones. Now, I agree this prison is quite modern, and expensive, looking and it doesn’t represent what I think of when I think of a prison, but maybe that’s a good thing. The correctional system in this country is shot. A majority of people released from prison end up committing another crime and going back to jail. The current system isn’t working. Prisons have become breeding grounds for criminals and gang members. This, however, wasn’t the most egregious crime committed in the email.

That award would have to go to the jump from nice, probably overpriced, prison pushed for by Obama, to the stimulus plan, then all the way to housing terrorists and how that’s wrong because we have a homeless issue. Quite the quantum leap…like that’s exactly what everyone should have divined from looking at those pictures. I got that, didn't you? Not only is Obama an idiot for pushing the stimulus, but he also designed and built this luxurious retreat for terrorists, all the while completely ignoring the problems that many Americans are facing. If those are your opinions on Obama, that’s fine, but just state them as opinions and send that email. Don’t try to use anything you can find as evidence to support your 'facts.'

Many of my more liberal friends, and enemies, would call my stance on the death penalty quite right wing, but i believe this email is evidence of the neccessity of capital punishment....Yes, the author should be killed.

Stay True.

Been a minute.

I have been gone for a little while. I know no one has missed me, or even noticed. I had to clear my head. The pressure of writing a high profile blog was getting to me. I went on a bender that ended with a plea bargain deal for the murder of a stripper. Part of my rehabilitation is to continue posting my thoughts here for no one to read.

I'm going to use the bullet point motif, so many things have happened since my last musing.

• Method Man and Redman dropped the 'Blackout! 2.' If you didn't know that happened don't feel bad, it didn't make much of an impact with anyone (it shouldn't have at least). This album was the definition of mediocre. Better than souljaboy, but that's not saying much. Jadakiss also released an album. I can't remember the name, but it's not worth picking up, or further discussion.
• Keeping with the music vibe, Mos Def dropped 'The Ecstatic' this week. I have only listened to it twice, but so far I am really digging it. Mos Def has had an up and down music career, but I would put this album up there with his 'Blackstar' collaboration with Talib and 'Black on Both Sides.'
• I am from Metro Detroit and the Redwings are playing in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals on Friday. I couldn't care less. Really, I couldn't possibly care about something related to men's sports less. I told a couple of my friends that I would turn down free tickets to Game 7. They were appalled. Some of them probably won't speak to me until its over. A few of them were discussing spending $500 a ticket to go. I find that appalling. Hockey is boring and the crowd at the Joe (the Redwings arena) is not really my scene. Picture a fish fry at the local VFW hall. $8 booze + trashy people = lose lose.
• Recently I made a life decision. I realized that I am too old to still be saying Gay/Fag/Queer/etc. I know I made strong statement in favor of me saying them earlier in this blog, and I also realize that I don't need to justify my switch to my 2 readers, but I'm going to anyway. I am tired of saying them. They're not really socially acceptable terms and if you say something enough around friends, you're going to inevitably drop one around non-friends. For this reason I have substituted 'square' for those terms. That's right I'm bringing back 'square.' Its a quality term to describe someone/thing you don't like.
• My fear that Joe Dumars will be picking up Carlos Boozer as the marquee offseason addition to the Pistons has subsided, a little. Recent news of Chris Bosh not resigning with the Raptors after next season and rumors of the Pistons interest in him has calmed me down. I am still fearful that the Pistons will draft Dejuan Blair. He seems like a Joe Dumars guy. (Not as big an indictment as being a Rod Marinelli Guy, but still not good) An undersized power forward, known for giving a good effort. This guy is 6'6"....6 foot, 6 inches tall! How can you play power forward when you'd be considered average height for a shooting guard? I'm tired of overachievers. I want more really athletic cats with questionable moral integrity.

Stay true.

The Trashelor Party.

In the following post names and faces have been altered to protect the innocent.

I'm supposed to attend a bachelor party this weekend and I was pumped about it. It all started a few days ago while I was watching the Tigers implode over at my friend's place when we both received the same text from the same person.

"Trash said he would be upset and his weekend would be ruined if there are
girls at the bachelor party"

What!?! Are you kidding? First, Trash shouldn't have much of a clue what's going to happen at the bachelor party. It should be a surprise, but that's besides the point. Who doesn't want girls at their bachelor party? Squares, that's who. But Trash isn't, and never has been a square. Then we found out that it's a decree from his fiance. OK, this is a little more acceptable. At least it's not Trash that's saying this.

Acceptable fiance mandates on bachelor parties include 'wear a condom at all times,' 'no penetration,' 'no animal involvement,' 'I don't want to hear about anything that happens,' and others along those same lines. This is a right of passage. They get the bachelorlette party, wedding shower, and the actual wedding. We get one night. There should be no rules, it's the last night of freedom. Fiance involvement should be at a minimum. Plus, how would she find out? Loose lips sink ships. What happens at the bachelor party, stays at the bachelor party. How many other cliches do I need to name?

Getting back to the story, I started to think that maybe Trash is just saying this for his fiance's benefit. We'll get girls anyway, he wouldn't want us not to. Then C-Murdah, the best man and organizer of the Trashelor party, calls me and lets me know that Trash is adamant about not having female entertainment and if we ignore his wishes, he will leave. My first reaction was, 'can I still back out?' I can't do that to C-Murdah, he's already bought the tickets to the Tigers' game we're going to before the festivities were supposed to start. Now there aren't any festivities. A Tigers' game and a trip to a Detroit casino? That's a run of the mill Saturday night. That's not a last night of freedom type night. I have never been less enthused about going to a Bachelor party in my life. Bachelor parties are to busty bimbos with loose morals in skimpy clothing as sea anemone are to clown fish, they have symbiotic relationship, one can't sustain itself without the other.

Stay True.

Really?

This morning was beautiful. I didn't struggle to get out of bed. I was on my way to work on time, no rush. The weather was terrific, a balmy 60. I was rocking my $5 cholo shades. I was listening to a new hip hop album I just downloaded, more on that later. Then it all changed in an instant. I looked down at the passenger seat where my all bran, high fiber cereal usually is and it was gone. The more frightening thing is that I was upset that I forgot it....Really? Am I now that old? Should I start listening to NPR and start watching Jay Leno on a regular basis? Jesus.


The hip hop album is by Finale, an artist from Detroit. It's called "A Pipe Dream and a Promise." I haven't had a chance to give it a review worthy listen. I'll report back later.


Stay True.

That isn't funny.

A lot people say things are funny when they aren't. People tell me everyday to watch this or download that because it's hilarious. Sorry, it wasn't funny. I realized that a lot of people need help deciphering what is funny so I thought I would help.

Things that aren't funny (this list does not include everything that isn't funny):

• 99% of media put out by Tyler Perry isn't funny. Whether it be movies or TV shows, they're not funny. The one particular show that grinds on my nerves is "Tyler Perry's House of Payne." This show is payneful to watch (that pun wasn't funny). I say 99% because I'm hoping that maybe he will put out something worth watching before his 15 minutes ends. It wouldn't be an issue if TBS didn't pimp this show non-stop. This leads us into the second item on this list.
• Any original programming produced by TBS isn't funny. This includes "10 items or less," Frank Caliendo's show, anything they produce. I love the movies and sitcoms that TBS plays in syndication, but their original programming blows. I like Frank Caliendo, especially when he does Jim Rome impressions, but the man can't carry a whole show.
• Female Comedians aren't funny. This shouldn't need explanation. I don't think anyone that matters disagrees with this.
• Anything Carlos Mencia has ever said or thought about saying isn't funny. This guy stole jokes and still wasn't funny. That's like cheating at a game and losing. Pathetic. His show was worthless, he is worthless, enough said.
• The item that sparked this post is inter-office email. In general, they're not funny. Anything P.C. enough to be sent to everyone in the office isn't funny. Starting the email off with "I thought this was funny and had to send it to you guys...." only makes us think that you're an idiot for finding this funny. There's a saying that goes its better to keep your mouth shut have people think you're stupid than to open it and have people lose all doubt. Let that marinate.
• 7 out of 10 YouTube videos that people think are hilarious are not funny. There are some good ones, i.e. the whistle tips, the leprechaun in the tree, and others. 30% of all YouTube videos are good, and thats a lot of videos. If you think about it, you will agree that 70% of videos intended to be comedy on YouTube are not funny.
• Scott "The Gator" Anderson is not funny. Some of my imaginary readers might not know who The Gator is. This waste of life is a local sports talk radio show host. He's a Man's Man. He drinks beer. He knows nothing about sports and isn't funny. An ESPN insider subscription does not qualify as insider information GAYtor....give it up.

For people who can't figure out for themselves here are some suggestions on what is funny:

• Farts are always funny and always will be. Its juvenile, but true.
• 99% of Dave Chappelle's work is funny. His stand up is funny. His show is funny. His movies are funny. Again, I say 99% because there is always the possibility that Mr. Chappelle releases something unfunny.
• The collective works of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David are funny. Whether it be stand up, "Seinfeld," or "Curb Your Enthusiasm," they produce good material.
• HBO has pretty good taste in whats funny. I cite "Flight of the Conchords," "The Life and Times of Tim" and the aforementioned "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
• Porn Dialogue is funny. This includes all porn dialogue, whether it be to further the story or during the intercourse.

I want to restate that these lists are not all encompassing. Use your judgement people, actually that's what got us here in the first place.... Use my judgment people.

Stay True.

Ricky Hatton.

Ricky Hatton and the Monarchy system are the two biggest reasons I'm glad my family left England hundreds of years ago. I picture every soccer fan at a Manchester United game to be a Hatton clone. I can see the stadium in my head, 100,000 Rickies all talking at the same time so that no one can understand what they're saying. Not that anyone who listens to Hatton talk can understand anyway (combination of being hit in the head and speaking the Queen's English). We've all met this guy, you know him, the guy who over compensates for his lack of heighth by trying to beat up everything in sight. Add in a limey, peasant british accent and you've got Ricky Hatton down to a science.

Another reason this guy is a reason to hate England is fact that he stole his nickname. Not only did he steal it, but he stole it from a man that hasn't missed a Piston's game since the 3 point line was implemented. If you don't already know, I'm talking about Thomas 'The Hitman' Hearns, an 8 time world boxing champion from one of the greatest cities in the world, and my home, Detroit. Hatton taking this nickname is the equivalent to J. J. Reddick calling himself 'J. J. the Glide' (a Clyde Drexler reference for the ignorant, wikipedia him).

The only thing better than watching Hatton get his ass handed to him is betting that he will get his ass handed to him and then watching him get his ass handed to him. I thought getting Pacquiao at -250 was a steal. After watching Mayweather beat up Hatton, and Mayweather doesn't beat up anyone, I thought about taking Pacquiao and the knock out, if only I had bigger balls.

The moral of this story is don't trust British people.

Stay True.

The Elderly

Today I was talking to a friend of mine via an instant messenger while I was supposed to be working. Chatting while working is common place for me, but this is not the issue today, so I digress. He recommended that I get lunch at a particular chicken chain that shares its name with a spinach consuming, strong man wannabe, sailor. I took him up on this suggestion as there is one located less than a mile from my place of “work.”

Upon arriving at this institution of poultry mongering, I pull up to the drive-thru menu and wait for someone to tell me that I am allowed to order. After a few minutes a voice instructs me to order. I follow these instructions and proceed to speak my order at a volume level that has been sufficient whenever I have placed a drive-thru order in the past. To this point, this would seem like any normal trip to a run of the mill fast food franchise. What I heard next should have been a red flag, a signal to peel out of there and find something else to consume, unfortunately I didn’t.

The voice came through the speaker and I could tell he was struggling, “could you repeat that son?” I should have known at that moment that I was dealing with someone that was too old to be working the contraptions involved in this transaction. Instead of driving away, I turned up my volume. People who have dealt with me in person will agree that this is not something I should have to do in most circumstances. My normal volume is usually loud enough for most deaf people. So I shouted my order into the box again and this time the voice came back and was reading my order to confirm accuracy. It was wrong, so I spoke up and asked him to correct and he replied that he had and asked me to pull around.

At last, this saga should come to an end as I tender the agreed upon fee. When I reach the window, the man with the head set on looks old enough to request payment in Spanish doubloons. “Sorry about the complications,” he growled. I told him it was ok and he disappeared. Five minutes later he came back empty handed and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yeah, how ‘bout getting the food I paid for.” I understand that this was rude, but I only have a limited amount of time for lunch and I usually like to spend it parked in a park listening to lackluster sports talk radio. Another, less age-challenged, employee moves past the old man and hands me a bag and a beverage and says, “Sorry for the wait.” This story ends with my order being wrong and me having too little energy to care.

I understand employing the elderly, they need jobs too, I get it. If you’re going to tempt fate and hire the nearly dead, follow the Wal-mart model. Place them in jobs that don’t require actually servicing customers. Have them greet people at the door, or wipe down tables. Leave the “complicated jobs,” like taking drive-thru orders to the capable. I have a grandfather that I am very close with, but I can’t imagine him greeting people at Costco, let alone interfacing between a customer and a computer via a radio device.

Stay True.